Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Love Living in the Internet Age

I know that there is a stereotype of men hating to shop, but damned if it isn't true in my case.  I just can't stand shopping.  There's nothing new to say about it - dig up Henny Youngman's corpse for that stuff.  But I was recently reminded of a humorous shopping incident that happened to me and my wife a few years ago

It was at Walgreens.  Drug stores depress me.  They're always laid out in a weird way - never simply parallel aisles like a grocery store, but a layout like Kowloon Walled City, directing me into dead ends and secret glory-holes.  I can never find anything, and all I ever want to do is leave.

Anyway, my wife and I were at Walgreens, doing what must have been some holiday shopping.  In the cart were greeting cards and a perfume set (White Shoulders?  Something like that), as well as standard fare - Kleenex, Advil, soda, etc.  And sex lube.  No need to laugh, we're all adults here, more-or-less.  We needed lube, so we threw it in the cart with the other stuff, and didn't even give it a second thought.

After about eleven years, we were ready to check out.  Holiday lines stink, but this was a big Walgreens, with about a half-dozen checkers, all in use, and we managed to make it to the cashier without incident.  Beep - Kleenex - $2.99.  Beep - Advil - $5.69.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Item not scanning.  So the cashier grabs her phone and pushes the PA button to make a storewide announcement :

"Kenny, can we have a price check on the Kama Sutra Love Liquid?"

Silence.  Crickets.  Even the Muzak went mute for our Special Moment.  Perhaps I'm dramatizing, but time stopped.  The cashier looked like a fish, mouth opening and closing as if she'd lost all speech ability once she realized what she'd announced.  I just said, "Great, thanks," and shot myself in the head.

No, not really.  But would you blame me?  After a second of silence, there was some laughter, but people mostly just got on with their business.  That's nice of them, but I know full well that if I'd heard that announcement, about someone else, I'd have wet myself with laughter.  And then when I saw that the victim was a 350-pounder with a Grizzly Adams beard like I had at the time?  Forget about it, I'd've been done.

And that's why we buy lube online now.

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